Thursday, 12 May 2016

Twilight Rewritten - Chapter 4

Okay so it's been a long time since I last did one of these.

Thankfully, I quite like the book a bit more now. Maybe that'll help me get to the end.

Thanks for reading!

Throwback to the previous chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 

Bella is dreaming of Edward. She runs after him. However, she doesn't mention falling down so I guess that's an improvement.

Bella is the centre of attention due to nearly dying. Isn't she just so special?

Tyler follows her and constantly apologises. He sits with her at lunch. Mike and Eric are not happy about this. Bella should seriously contact an attorney and get some kind of restraining order because this is harassment.

No one cares about Edward after the accident. LOL!

Bella says no one watches him the way she does. Okay, this is a pretty sure sign that someone is a sociopathic stalker.

People still avoid him and the rest of his family. The person they should be avoiding is Bella. Edward will save your life. Bella would probably fall over, land on you and kill you.

Edward goes back to ignoring Bella. She's miserable because he doesn't love her like everyone else loves her.

Bella reckons that he regrets saving her. She says there's no other conclusion she can find. Or maybe he's noticed her perving on him in the lunch hall and is starting to feel as uncomfortable as she feels when the other boys at this school follow her around like golden retrievers.

The emails she's been sending to her mother have alerted her about Bella's depression. Well, I wouldn't call this depression since that's pretty insulting to people who are depressed. And also, I would think this would be enough for Renee to maybe think about visiting Bella. But maybe not. Anyway, can't have too much interference from parents and authority figures because this is a YA novel.

Mike's glad that Edward and Bella aren't talking. Don't get your hopes up mate. They're gonna be married like next year or something.

There's a school dance coming up. The girls get to ask the guys. Jessica asks Bella if she can ask Mike because she thought Bella might ask Mike. Which is weird because Bella hasn't been pretty receptive to Mike. Maybe Jessica has perception issues.

The next day, Jessica is quiet and avoiding Mike. She sits as far away from him at the lunch table. I wonder how big this lunch table is.

Mike walks Bella to class because she's lost all motor functions and cannot walk herself to class.

Mike says he said no to Jessica because he thought Bella would ask him. Bella feels guilty although she really doesn't need to because her ice cold interactions with Mike should be enough to tell him that she isn't interested. Bella tells Mike to go with Jessica because she's so selfless. She's not going to the dance, she repeats again.

She lies to Mike that she's going to Seattle. It's too important to go another time. Maybe it's for the brain scan she desperately needs to determine any potential injuries from 17 years of falling over.

Edward overheard the whole conversation and they stare at each other during class. They could try talking to each other but even that is too much for them so they stare. Bella gets flustered. She's pretty hung up over a guy she's had maybe two complete conversations with. Calm down girl.

The school bells rings. Class dismissed. Edward and Bella have another small conversation. Finally. All that looking at each other was starting to get boring. Edward says to Bella that's it's better if they're not friends. They argue. Edward says Bella doesn't know anything because she thinks he regrets saving her. To be fair, it's Edward's communication issues that have led Bella to this conclusion so really, Eddy Boy's at fault here. Maybe when you can read minds it leads to communication deficits in your personality. Oops spoiler. But who hasn't read this book or watched the movie or have been forced to watch the movie?

Bella walks into the doorjamb. If you're not a builder/carpenter/whatever then she walks into the door frame. She drops her books. Eddiekins picks the books up for her because he's super fast like a vampire or something (ha!) and she lacks the relevant motor functions needed to do this herself. She says thank you "icily". Kinda rude. But if I was Edward I would have just left the books on the floor. She's got gym next.

Bella thought gym was brutal. I don't know why cos her team never passed the ball (hahaha) and she fell down a lot. She also confesses that she took people down with her. But she was worse because was falling over because her "head was so filled with Edward". She really needs a third leg to stabilise herself.

Bella almost runs back to her truck. There's no mention of her falling over.

She notices someone leaning against her car and starts freaking out because it might be her soulmate but no it's Eric. Thank God.

Cliché Eric asks her to the dance. She points out that she should be asking him.  She rejects him because he isn't Edward Cullen. Edward walks by and laughs.

He cuts her off and Tyler uses this opportunity to ask Bella out to the dance. Well technically, Tyler asks Bella to ask him out to the dance. Bit soon no? Considering he nearly killed her. He says it's okay because they have prom. She really needs an attorney.

Edward drives away. Bella knows he was laughing as if he heard the whole conversation. Yeah, we get it. He can read minds. Give it a rest with the foreshadowing!

Bella drives home while pissed off. Big change in personality there.

Bella gets home and makes chicken enchiladas. It takes her a long time. One, why is she doing all the cooking? She's like 17. Or 40. I keep forgetting which. Two, why does it take her so long? I make enchiladas and literally, they're done in like an hour. Although I do cheat and use ready make sauces and stuff. Bella probably buys the ingredients fresh when she's doing the groceries as any normal 40 year old does. Oh wait, I forgot again. She's only 17.

Jessica calls. She's afraid to answer it because it might be her parents. Her barely around and frankly negligent parents who should be facing legal proceedings in a family court. Jessica is "jubilant". At least I know what that word means without having to look in a dictionary. She then proceeds to set up Angela with Eric because slightly shy girls should only be allowed to go out with nerds. And then sets up Lauren with Tyler because super bitch should totally go out with the guy who nearly killed her. With any luck, maybe Tyler will run over Lauren with his car.

She cuts the chicken carefully because she doesn't want to go back to the hospital. At least she's being careful. Maybe she can keep this up.

She's angry because Eddie doesn't like her. She's paranoid that Eddie's noticed her obsession. To be fair Bella, we've all noticed. And then she's sad because she's like boring while Edward is interesting and mysterious and good looking unlike Miss-I-Attract-Half-The-Male-Student-Population-In-Forks-But-I-Don't-Care-Because-They're-Not-Edward-Cullen.

Charlie comes home. He's suspicious because he can smell something Mexican. Oh hello there Donald Trump. I didn't know you were in this book!

Bella says that southern California is probably the closest place with edible Mexican food. With a quick Google search, I know the Mexican demographic in Seattle is 4.1% but this statistic is the 2010 census of the USA. Maybe it was slightly less in 2005 or whenever this book was written but that's enough of a percentage that surely there must be some authentic Mexican food in Seattle. Or is this an alternative world where Mexicans only exist near the US-Mexico border?

Bella tells Charlie she's going to Seattle. She doesn't want to ask his permission because that would set a bad precedent. She's 17. What does she know about setting bad precedents? He tries to be a protective parent. Fails considering she's always nearly dying in some terrible accident.

Charlie worries she will get lost in Seattle. Bella tells him that Phoenix is 5 times bigger. She knows this because she's a genius. Bella probably remembers how many square miles every major US city is. How does this girl have any friends?!

He asks her if she's going to the dance. She says she doesn't dance. She'd probably die or kill someone if she did with all that falling over.

She insinuates that she got the clumsiness from her father. And he's a cop. Just what America needs right now. Clumsy cops.

Bella goes to school.

Edward appears "out of thin air".

Bella asks how he does that.

Edward blames Bella and says she's "unobservant". One, ouch. Two, not really because Bella as a narrator points out everything as if she has nothing better to do that describe because there are pages in this book where she basically just describes EVERYTHING.

Bella walks away and sloshes "angrily through the rain". I was starting to miss the weather references.

Bella asks if he has multiple personality disorder. Which is an extremely inaccurate diagnosis and probably made by someone with a grossly anorexic knowledge of clinical psychology.

Edward offers her a lift to Seattle. He insults Bella's truck.

She calls him a "Stupid, Shiny Volvo owner". You know, now that I think about it, the only people I know who drive Volvos are middle aged mothers.

Edward tells Bella she should stay away from him. Which is stupid because he's the one who approached her.

And that's the end of the chapter.

I'm still editing Chapter 5 but I have a few other posts that I'm also working on.



  1. Hilarious! Especially love the part where people should avoid Bella, lest she fall on and kill them, LOL.

    1. Thanks! I had forgotten how clumsy Bella was.


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