Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Twilight Rewritten - Chapter 1

I've started reading this book again for the LOLS and found that I kept stopping and making random comments about the book. So I'm going to let you know about everything that goes through my mind.

I'll start off with the preface.

I don't understand this. Surely this is a prologue rather than a preface. A preface is an introduction from the author and not the narrator.

There's something about a hunter trying to kill Bella. This theme of Bella dying is the main theme of the novel. I don't know who the hunter is and I still don't know anything about Bella so this kind of feels out of place.

Chapter 1.

Bella is going to the airport. This is so fascinating I'm just dying to read more! Where is she going? Paris? London? New York? Lisbon? No, she's going to Forks, a place I've never heard of in the middle of nowhere. 

SMeyer gives us some painful descriptions about Forks.

"inconsequential" a word that most teenagers are aware of and use in everyday life. I'm not a normal teenager so I had to look this up in the dictionary. Turns out, using a primary school dictionary isn't a good idea. I ended up googling this word. Never used it in my life before Twilight. I realise I'm reading a ripoff of a dictionary. At least dictionaries contain swear words.

Then we get a mention of Charlie. I don't know many people who refer to their dad by their first name. I call my dad "Dad" all the time, no matter who I'm talking to.

Then Bella moans about Forks and the weather. This is sort of the beginning of one big moaning session.

Bella says some horrible stuff about her "erratic, harebrained mother". She wonders how her mother will "fend for herself" as if she is like some pet. What a lovely daughter huh?! I wish one day I have a daughter like deary Bella.

Bella lies. She's shit at it. Just like everything else.

Bella and Charlie are awkward. I just want to shoot them both.

Bella gets a car. Bitch is ungrateful for it.

Bella says Forks is "too green" and like "an alien planet". Well funny thing is, green isn't alien at all. Look at maps of Earth and you'll see it's green. Nothing alien about green stuff. And without these horrible green things, we'd all choke to death. Ungrateful Bella.

Bella goes to her bedroom. It hasn't changed since she was a kid except she now has a computer that is worse than the one my parents bought me in 2001 with crap internet. Someone needs to tell Bella she isn't living in the Dark Ages.

Bella complains about having to share a bathroom with Charlie. How terrible. It's worse than sharing a bathroom with everyone who lives in your street just like the Victorians had to!

Bella cries because her life is so horrible. Poor Bella. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, she appears to be in great health (although I reckon she should be dead from anaemia), lives in a nice house, probably has health insurance and has a car, we must all pity her because she had a choice in whether or not she went to Forks.

She then talks about Forks High School. Oh no. She won't fit in. There are hardly any students there. She's going to be a "freak".

She talks about her appearance. She looks like SMeyer. And she's so clumsy, you'd think she would die at some point from falling down a flight of stairs and through a window. But no, Miss Mary Sue survives.

Bella talks about how she doesn't feel like a real teenager. Because you know, we all know she's actually a misunderstood genius.

Bella has a malfunctioning brain. Shame it's functioning enough for her to be alive.

Bella cries herself to sleep. More weather references. Urgh, Bella talks about the weather so often, it really makes me wonder if she's British. Nobody is more obsessed with mother nature than us Brits.

Bella feels awkward in the house. She leaves for school.

She thinks she's in a biohazard suit. She probably needs one considering how clumsy she is.

More weather references.

Bella gets to school. She doesn't like school because it looks homely and nice and doesn't look like a prison. All schools should look grey, have metal fences with barbed wire on top, metal detectors and drug checks from police officers. Because you know, we should treat all young people as second class citizens.

Bella Swan shows her obsession with herself by assuming everyone in the town is expecting her. Maybe they're just surprised at how deathly sick she looks.

Bella convinces herself no one is going to bite her and gets out of the car. Bad foreshadowing.

Bella is glad she doesn't stand out because everyone has the same skin colour as her. Seems Bella Swan is also obsessed with how much melanin her skill cells produce. Racist.

She blushes tomato red when her teacher gawks at her - because she carries around a mirror to observe colour changes in her skin just like any normal person. Although this isn't really a colour change in the skin and is just more blood rushing to her face.

She goes to the back of the classroom to avoid people staring at her but they still manage to because Bella is so beautiful and Mary Sue-ish boring and devoid of any personality.

Bella shows us how intelligent she is because she has already read everything on the reading list for English. Because every 17 year old reads Chaucer in their spare time.

SMeyer introduces a cliché. Eric. Greasy hair. Glasses. Acne. Typical geek. I wonder what kind of school SMeyer went to since I've never come across someone as clichéd as this.

Bella makes a shit joke. Blames it on other people not having a sense of humour. Poor Bella. She's just so misunderstood.

Bella hates her Algebra teacher and his class. She blushes (more vain mirror checking) and falls over her feet. I would hate to be near her when she's walking. To be honest, I'd hate to be near her regardless of whether she's alive or dead. Imagine laying in a grave next to Bella Swan. I think I'd want to die. Again. 

Bella thinks people are brave for talking to her. I say they're brave for going anywhere near her.

Bella has an awful memory and forgets people's names just seconds after they tell her. Falling into things must have given her brain damage.

Cliché Eric waves at her. She ignores him.

Bella sees the Cullens. Another thing she's obsessed with. Bella seriously has something wrong with her.

Bella likes the Cullens because they look more anaemic than her. Obsessed with physical features.

Jessica (girl whose name Bella keeps forgetting) infodumps who the Cullens are. Jessica sure knows a lot about them considering the Cullens don't talk to anyone else in school.

Jessica complains about Edward not liking her.

The Cullens leave the lunch hall.

Bella goes to Biology with Angela, another cliché. She's shy, just like poor misunderstood Bella.

Bella sits next to Edward. She freaks out. He ignores her.

Miss Mary Sue can't understand why Mr Gary Sue  Edward is ignoring her. She thinks she smells bad. Maybe sharing a bathroom with Charlie wasn't a good idea after all.

Bella continues to perve over Edward.

Edward leaves Biology quickly without looking at Bella. She's seriously bummed he isn't getting down on his knees and bowing to her. She seriously needs to get a life.

Bella bumps into a golden retriever Mike, a boy who gets down on his knees and bows to her but she ignores him because he doesn't look like a fairy Greek god.

Bella says Mike "was the nicest person" she'd met that day but she still pretty much ignores him because he isn't Edward.

Bella calls Forks her "personal hell". She can still go home to Phoenix but she chooses to stay and complain about everything.

Bella talks about her volleyball injuries. How the hell is she not dead? You'd think someone as clumsy as her would fall into the road and get run over by a truck! Shame about that though.

School is over. Bella hears Edward trying to switch classes from Biology. Bella feels even more rejected. She cries. She goes home.

Note: Quotes are taken from Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.



  1. Funny. But why are you putting yourself through this? (:

    1. It's quite funny. Anyway, I read this for the second time after Breaking Dawn just to see if I could identify why I liked the series in the first place. I ended up writing comments in the margins which I found kinda funny.

      Plus, I get to mock Twilight, one of my favourite hobbies!

  2. Apply this method to reading excellently written books and you will grow by leaps and bounds.

    1. If the book was good, I probably wouldn't have very many critical comments.

      I'm going to try this with another book in the holidays though. The reviews look good but I quite enjoy reading books like this!

  3. You know, parts of this are funny (lol at Bella being racist) but it's also boldly rude. I'm no fan of the books, but I have to respect that it's gotten a lot of non-readers to read something, and she's made a lot of money, so she must have done something right. I can't help but think what impact you don't know you're having. Sorry for sounding preachy. Just be careful.

    1. I know some parts aren't well, flattering to somebody.

      But this isn't me taking a swipe at any particular person. This is mostly what came through my mind while I was reading and some of it is due to what I've read online about this series and criticisms that the book has faced.

      I respect SMeyer for writing something hugely popular and changing the face of YA.

      I'm sorry if this feels like an attack on someone.

      What impact do you mean?

    2. I've just seen a few people get burned doing these kinds of things. I won't mention specifics, but I have seen hate spam in response to a post to the point where a particular person wasn't able to return to their own site anymore, and a few followed her to the next one she set up, too. It's highly improbable, but... like I said, you just have to be careful. I'm not personally offended by this, actually I find it hilarious, but I do know what it's like to have your work torn to shreds, point by point. It does not feel good, even if it is true.

    3. Oh right. I see. I'll try and keep the insulting thing a bit down. I don't want to be spammed and attacked online. But I think I will continue with this. I enjoy it!

      I think I've heard of some of this stuff online.

      And I've edited out some stuff just to make sure.


      Should I take negative reviews of books down too?

    4. No, your negative reviews are fine; not everyone is going to love every book, and you're pretty good about explaining why they just weren't your cup of tea without going overboard. I worried about this post specifically because of the way it goes through each line.

      Doing stuff like this can be dangerous, but it is funny and I think it's an important skill to be able to look at books critically. It's just the jabs at the author that can come across as rude, and possibly undeserved. After all, we can't know her thoughts in creating the work.

    5. I'll keep the author references mild.

      I know this can be risky but it's not like this blog has a million readers or anything which is nice.

      I've seen some horrible incidents on Goodreads especially so I was kind of concerned.


  4. I dont know if you're insulting the writers work or just insulting the character in the book. Or is it the same? Either way, that was great review. You have to go through each line to write these, which is surely tedious. I don't think i can do the same. I do like these book though. Mostly because of the supernatural things thats being written. Looking forward to other chapter from you.

    1. Hi crazyhorsea!

      This isn't really me trying to insult somebody. And I wouldn't really call it a review.

      It's just my attempt to rewrite Twilight and exaggerate all that's wrong with it and to make it a bit humorous. I want people to laugh and not get mad.

      I don't hate the first book but I wouldn't say I like it either. I'm just a bit meh about this one. The rest of the series doesn't sit well with me though.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll try and have the second chapter up soon! You can subscribe if you want to be notified when I publish the second chapter.

  5. When I was your age I didn't read the popular stuff because it annoyed me for the same reasons you found Twilight to be annoying. I read the classics even when I struggled to understand them at times. (I found your review very funny!), but I have to agree that I would hate to see you getting nasty comments that could hurt you.

    1. I don't really read the classics either. I mostly just read books from my library since they seem to be from UK authors who aren't as big/popular as USA authors.

      I really liked Twilight when I first read it but it soon started to grate on me. I still read it but I don't take the books seriously.

      I would hate to see them too but the delete function isn't too far away. I get upset yeah but this blog is pretty small so I don't think it'll be happening in the near future.

      Thanks! I always feel happy when people think I'm funny. Mostly because in 'real' life, I'm not very funny.

  6. I picked up Twilight once. Read a page. Put it down never to pick it up again.

    Kudos to you for sticking with it long enough to write this! All my teenaged writing students love her tho, so Meyer knows her audience well-- I give her that.

    1. haha!

      I've read it enough times that writing about it gets easier. Hopefully, the second chapter will be up soon but it's the middle chapters I'm finding hard.

      I respect SMeyer for being so popular but her pacing is not smooth.


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